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Middle or Latency Years
Parents sometimes develop a false sense of security when their children are young and are thrown off guard when their middle age child starts to ask more, demand more, and voice their own opinions about their adoption. This inquisitiveness has to do with their level of development. Children move from a very ego-centric (or self centered) view of the world to a more encompassing other world view. They can take other perspectives into consideration, and as a result will sometimes want to know more about their birthmother and/or birthfather. Why? and How? What?
The middle years is also the time our sweet innocent children start the process of becoming their own person. Clearly ready to voice and tell you what they think. They may be angry, they may be doubtful about the story that is being conveyed, or may feel cheated that she/he did not grow in their mom's tummy. It is imperative that parents respect and validate their child's feelings, despite the fact they are different from what a parent might wish. Parents must not project their own issues and push their own agenda about how they want their child to feel.
Parents do not have to agree and might wish their children felt differently, but at this time they feel what they feel. Listen, hear them, tell them you understand they wish it was different and perhaps even own up to your own feelings. "I know you wish you grew in me and I wish you did too. But it just didn't happen that way".
The primary responsibility parents have of middle-age school children in regards to their adoption is to allow their feelings to be heard and make sure that these children know that no matter how they feel you still love them and always will.
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