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Conclusion
Emerging adolescents really get it. Their birthmother becomes real and no longer an apparition. Birth parents take on form and meaning as these emerging adults anguish in their struggle to grow into complete individuals. Their preoccupation with their sexual identify makes their unique stories even more powerful.
This is the time they might need the truth. Parents will be forced to face the family' adoption story realistically. If you have done your job up until now nothing can interfere with the bond long established between you and your child.
This is the time children might want to know about their parent's infertility. What they went through, why they choose adoption. They may ask some very personal questions. Old hurts and pains might resurface. Give the information asked for details and all. What is known and what is not known.
Give them the benefit of the doubt as you talk to your teenager about their birth parents. This is the time some children do some grief work on the loses experienced resulting from their birthing circumstances. This will free them to move on. Parents can be there for their adolescent child but it will not necessarily always be easy. Parents can not fix them or eliminate their pain but they can be there as their children struggle through these difficult years.
Each child is different and not all children are as curious as others. We can not predict which children will ask questions and which will not. Some will struggle others will not. This does not reflect on the effectiveness of the parents but is determined by the uniqueness of each and every child.
The commitment to disclose to children about their adoption will provide children with a firm foundation upon which to grow and develop. When we create children we take on an enormous responsibility and we must meet this challenge. By telling children the truth, we are respecting a child's heritage and enhancing their sense of self. We need to respect and cherish our children's beginnings, however, nontraditional they might be. This will be the great legacy parents can give their children.
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